On a mission to learn to love better

I'm not sure that this blog will really have a point. I realize it's likely no one will read this. Meh, I really don't care. Several things have been on my mind lately. It spins so quickly I can't finish one thought before the next pops in.

I want to learn to love better.

I feel refreshed after the last few days. I've gotten to see many people I care deeply about, several I haven't seen nearly enough the last few years. I've enjoyed great conversations and laughs, been challenged and encouraged. I'm exhausted and thankful to have some alone time, but my heart is so full.

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing with my life and how to make the most of it. It's been helpful to chat with people about this. Anyways, I see a lot at work- people who have just had a rough go. We all get to make our own choices, but sometimes life is just unfair. And with everything that's going on around me, I am reminded how desperately we need Jesus. I don't have the answers I'm seeking. I just don't know. I can't solve the problems I see or the heartache around me. But Jesus knows and He can.

And maybe there is beauty in the uncertainty and messiness of our lives. Because we can't do it alone. It forces community. I need Jesus. But also I need the people around me. When we can be honest and open, letting down our fronts and communing authentically with each other... Wow. What a feeling to be known and loved for who you are. Life is messy and we are all broken, but what a privilege it is to do life together. What a blessing to see others grow and to be inspired. There is so much we can learn from each other.

I'm a total disaster. Well-meaning but over committing. Disorganized. My clothes don't match and my hair is never in place for longer than 2 minutes. I frequently lose my keys and spill things. There are 1000 of other things. I try to keep it together, but it just oozes out. But guess what?! I have an amazing husband and family, and what's really crazy...  friends, who know all this and still love me. It's amazing and ridiculous. 

I feel so loved tonight. Overwhelmed by it really. But I have also experienced times of great loneliness. Times when circumstances weighed me down and I felt hopeless and so alone. And it breaks my heart to hear the stories of hopelessness of patients or people I'm close to. The depth of heartache and loneliness they must feel. I want to learn to love better. More completely. Like Jesus loves me. No one should feel so hopeless. No one should feel worthless or empty.

You are loved. More than you can ever imagine.

These things have been on my heart.

I wish that everyone could feel loved and valued. Known. Appreciated. Listened to. My prayer is that God will teach me to love like he loves and that He will help me take action. Love is a verb (to quote John Mayer lol). Lord show me how to love deeper and more fully.

I want my friends to know I love them too. Gosh, there are things about each of them I appreciate and find inspiring or admirable. I want to let them know. We should tell each other those things, build one another up. Cuz you all are the best. :)

And if anybody (again, probably no one will actually read this haha) ever wants to talk, or feels hopeless or alone, you can contact me. Or if you just want to talk. I'm awkward and goofy. I rarely have anything great to say, but I can listen.

Anyways, just things I've been thinking about. We all need God's love, mercy, and healing.

^"9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. ¹⁰ Love each other with genuine affection,^[e] and take delight in honoring each other. ¹¹ Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.^{[f] 12} Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ¹³ When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. ¹⁵ Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!"

Romans 12: 9-16

CrossFit- My Story and a 1 Year Reflection

Halloween 2015, was my Crossfitiversary!!!!

I'm so excited about this, I can't contain my excitement. I'll be the first to admit it's a little ridiculous to be so excited, but I am. I just have to share a few things:

My CrossFit Story 

L-sit rope climb

I didn't know what to make of CrossFit before I started. As a physical therapist, I had heard rumors of Crossfit being dangerous and causing injuries. Honestly, I tried not to form an opinion based on that- people will talk, haters gonna hate! haha. But after 17+ years of gymnastics, I was missing the dynamic movements, the team atmosphere, and the competition. I started Taekwondo with some church friends, and I loved it- I found kicking things to be very satisfying and I enjoyed the mind-body challenge. But each day I went to TKD, I walked by this Crossfit gym, Iron Valley CrossFit- they had the garage doors open, music blaring. I walked by slower and slower until one day I finally gathered up my courage and went in. My first real CrossFit class was Halloween! The workout was Fran (21-15-9 reps of thrusters and pull-ups). I had to scale the weight down. The workout took me 6+ minutes and the next day I was so sore I limped around work. It was terrible and wonderful!!  It was game over right there, I was hooked!!!

12 months later I'm proud to say I can RX (do the "prescribed" 65 lbs) Fran in 2:59. I have improved in strength, speed, and endurance. I have learned several new movements. But perhaps the most valuable "gains" I've made are the friendships and confidence I've found.

Hanging out at my first competition- Nick, Travis, Jayme, and me

I love my gym family.  There is something wonderful about sharing the pain and awesomeness of a terrible workout. I'm so grateful Jayme, Travis, Nick, and the whole gang welcomed me in right away. I think maybe the "burpee broad-jump mile" in the freezing cold was a test to see if I could hang ;) I know this crew has my back, and I have theirs.

Photo-bombing a first-dance selfie at Jayme and Travis' wedding

3-person team comp- 2nd Place!

The confidence CrossFit has brought me was a bit of a surprise. Believe it or not, prancing around in a leotard much of my life didn't always make me feel great about my body. Something is different about CrossFit (other than the obvious wardrobe choice) and I'm proud of my muscles now. It feels great to hit a PR and make progress, I feel capable and strong. Also, as a bi-product of the workouts (during most workouts my heart rate hangs out in the "fat burning" zone), I've become more toned than I was during my gymnastics years. That doesn't hurt the confidence either. ;) Plus, there is something amazing about throwing some heavy weight up over your head during a snatch.

Pre-CrossFit 2014             1 Year of CF 2015

Snatch

At my gym, Iron Valley CrossFit, I've seen people transformed- both physically and metaphorically. Numerous members have lost 20+ pounds, are able to run a mile without stopping for the first time in years, are enjoying working out for the first time in decades. I've heard a member say his back pain is gone, another gal was thrilled to share she's no longer pre-diabetic. It's awesome to see people excited about health and fitness, and to celebrate their achievements with them.

Travis coaching the class on rope climbs

Questions People Bring Up

Is CrossFit for everyone? No. Can CrossFit be adapted and modified to fit almost anyone's skill level and goals? Yes. You should see some of the masters level athletes... maybe by the time I'm 60 I'll have abs like that! haha. Check out this story of a 76 year-old with multiple joint replacements and a cardiac condition (76 year-old CF). I challenge you to take a few minutes and watch this awesome video by CrossFit from the Working Wounded Games or this video from I Am Adaptive. Don't limit someone else. If you are looking for a CrossFit gym to help you achieve your goals, ask questions to make sure the coaches are qualified, let them know of any injuries, pre-exisiting conditions, or concerns you have. Coaches, I challenge you to be able to admit when you aren't sure how to best coach someone. If you have an athlete with needs you're unfamiliar with, discuss it with them, ask for help from colleagues.

Celebrating lifts with Jayme

Yes, Crossfit can be dangerous. Life can be too! In all seriousness, I recognize it's probably more dangerous than some other athletic activities. But, you can minimize those risks- find a good coach who can teach and enforce good form, be a student and study the movements, check your ego at the door- don't lift weight or attempt movements you aren't ready for, and listen to your body. But please, don't knock it if you haven't tried it and please don't discourage others from participating.

Ring muscle-ups during a WOD with Travis

The End...

I'm definitely not the strongest person. Strength remains a weakness, but I'm proud of the gains I've made. A year ago my back squat was 155# and my front squat was 120#, now I can back squat 220#, front squat 190#, and overhead squat 185#. A year ago I couldn't do a single ring muscle-up, last week I did 30 ring muscle-ups in 7 minutes and 7 seconds. Still have a long way to go, so much room for improvement, but I'm loving it. I love the challenge, the environment, the competition, the people... I'm so thankful to CrossFit and my Iron Valley CF gym family including my hubby Corey, Jayme my workout partner, and Travis my coach and the gym owner. You guys all rock!

Hiking with Corey, Jayme, and Travis

Broken Hearted in a Broken World

Heart is breaking this week. Several things have happened that have reminded me how broken this world is. I guess this is similar to a post a few months ago, but it continues to be on my heart. Kinda just some word-vomit, not particularly organized but felt like sharing...

Today at the gym, a little girl came running in asking someone to call the police because her mom was being beaten by her boyfriend in their home across the street. She was calm and collected, as if this was an everyday occurrence. She something in particular stood out to me- she said, "I have some clothes stashed outside." No little girl should have to go through that.  What has she seen in her few years? What chance does she have if that's the environment she's grown up in and the example she's had of a man? Makes me so sad.

Recently two of my high school classmates died after suffering from drug addiction. I didn't know either of them particularly well, but had classes with one and remember laughing at his jokes.  Absolutely devastating and heartbreaking. Just shouldn't happen.

I work at a hospital near the heart of the city.  A good portion of our patients struggle with one, or any combination of homelessness, alcoholism, and meth, cocaine, prescription drug, or heroin addiction. It's easy to judge, and I've been guilty plenty of times. But I am reminded again and again, I don't know their stories. I honestly feel that under other circumstances, it could've been me in their shoes. I've worked with numerous addicts, rooted for them, hope they've stayed clean, seen some come right back. Our city has a problem with heroin. So much IV drug abuse, so many patients coming in with life and limb-threatening abscesses. The risks are huge. The drug doesn't discriminate. The power and hold it has over its captives is incredible.  I'm not sure what specific resources are available in the community (methadone clinics, treatment programs, etc.), but it seems like there's got to be more we can do as a community. People are dying and it is heartbreaking.

I can only imagine how these things break God's heart. It makes me wonder, what can I do about it? How can I love those around me? How can I spread hope and lift people up? Sometimes I feel so helpless and the world seems hopeless. But it's not true, there is hope because God has overcome the world. In John 16:33 Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 

I don't have any answers. I don't think we can understand the world this side of heaven. But I know there is hope. I know I'm called to love. I fail everyday at loving those around me, but God is merciful. So much of my life and thoughts are selfish, but I'm working on it. These events have spurred my heart and sparked conversations with friends, family, and my hubby. How can we become more involved in our communities? How can we utilize our resources to meet the needs of others? How can we love each other better?

We bought a house!

Another super late post... BUT... We bought a house at the end of March! We're enjoying having our own space and continue to make our house our own. Here are a few photos. :)

A delayed post

A few months ago I was driving home after meeting up with a friend. My heart was broken over our conversation, hurting for my friend, and confused. I pulled my car over into the parking lot of a church and I just prayed. I sat there in the dark, talking out loud to God. Crying. Confused. Angry. Sad. Hurt. And then I just felt peace and hope.

Things weren’t suddenly perfect. But it was like God was saying, “Yes, you live in such a broken world. These things sadden me too. But it’s not over. I love you so much. I love your friend. I am in control, trust in me."

I wrote a bit back then, but I never posted it because it didn't seem complete. But I've decided to just post it anyways-

Oh Jesus how we need you.

What a privilege it is to do life with people. Life is messy, we are all broken. There is heartbreak everywhere if you take time to notice. Everyone has a story.  

It is easy to judge, but from my own mistakes I am reminded one piece of the story does not reveal the whole person. Besides, it's not my place to judge, I'm called to love. So that's what I will try to do.
 
Tonight my heart is breaking for several reasons. Romans 12:15 says, "¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Tonight I am mourning with friends who mourn. It makes my heart sad, it hurts, but what an honor it is to get to do that.  For lost friendships, damaged relationships, addictions, lost jobs, disappointments, broken families... What a blessing it is to have people to rejoice and mourn with me, and who allow me to do so with them. 

What strikes me is how much it hurts to mourn with someone else. I am incapable of doing anything to fix or change the situation. My heart is broken for them and I am brought to tears. It hurts, it leaves me with questions and rocks my world. But I am glad to be able to do life with them. I am honored to be trusted with such honest, open hearts and to be able be apart of life. I am reminded of what true community must look like, and reminded that there is One who is bigger than all our problems, sins, and heartache. The Healer hears our prayers, He sees our tears, and He knows our hearts.

In some of these times, I have felt the most loved. Seems a little counter-intuitive, but God’s ways are so beyond my comprehension. In the midst of my own trials or the heartache of a friend, there is peace that rushes over me. And the only thing that makes sense to me is that this is God’s peace and his love. There is hope in Him.

The Good Life

Living the Good Life

Life is messy. I had this expectation that the older I got, the better handle I'd have on things. You know- finally have it all together or something. Seems more like the opposite. The older I get, the more responsibilities I have, the less equipped I feel to handle them. Always something to learn, new challenges to face, ways to grow. And that's good, it makes life exciting! But there are also plenty of opportunities to make mistakes. And I do, all the time. It can be so frustrating. Mistakes in friendships, in marriage, at work, in trying to eat healthy, in sticking to a budget, in being productive, etc.. Some days it feels like that's all I am, a giant mess up. It can be disheartening. I've let it get me down for too long. But guess what?! There is good news!! God reminded me He has not given up on me.  And if He hasn't given up on me, who do I think I am to give up on myself?!? I will continue to have hope because I have Jesus.

So now, I can see my failures as opportunities to grow. My failures don't mark the end, but just a step along the way. I am so imperfect. I am so messy. I am so in need of forgiveness.  I am constantly being molded and changed, IF I open myself up to it. When I stop focusing on my failures, I can seek God and His forgiveness. I can move on and learn from my mistake. This allows me to get out of my "me" hole, and really see those around me. There are too many blessings to be joyful about, I don't need to waste time feeling down, not liking myself. Life is beautiful, God is glorious, and He loves me as I am.

Therefore... I will be glad! Jesus has overcome the world. I will trust Him. I will work at not allowing my inadequacies to overwhelm me. Each new day is a gift. I will take time to notice the blessings throughout my day, and I will give thanks for them.

Life doesn't start when I have it all together, it has already begun. And it is a good life.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Found on Google. I love the first rainy days of Fall. So refreshing. Makes me happy.

Quite possibly the worst blogger ever

I'm not a good writer, I don't have especially interesting things to say, and I only post a few times a year... it's quite possible I may be the worst blogger ever.

OHHHHH well!

Update:
1. I graduated from PT school last month! I passed my board exam in April! Soooo... I'm officially a licensed physical therapist.

2. I'm working in an inpatient acute setting for Legacy Health!

3. Corey is finishing up a supervisor-in-training program at Costco. He is now officially full-time at Costco!

4. We're moving in with my parents this weekend for a bit to try to save up some $$$.

5. Loving the song, "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets.
    I don't know anyone who likes the idea of feeling broken, empty, and lonely. But this song reminds me that these feelings might be exactly what I need to bring me closer to God and make Him my ONE desire. Still scary things to pray for though.

6. Lots of changes- graduating, getting a real-life job, so many friends moving away, Corey and I leaving the first place we lived together. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love change! (Just kidding!!!!). Trying hard to not freak out, praying for peace and trust during this time. Glad that whatever comes our way, we have each other and our families.